Control

Things were going smoothly. Too smoothly. Will got a great job in Australia—relocation included, plane tickets included, two weeks accommodation upon arrival included. Sure, there are a lot of headaches and expenses, but that’s to be expected when you make the conscious decision to uproot your life (especially when you have a house, a dog, and two car payments) and move halfway around the world. The opportunity is worth the price, and overall, I have been pleased with our progress [insert picture here of me patting myself on the back]. I knew we had it under control.

Until this morning.

This morning Will and I woke up, went outside to let Darcy out, and realized that while we were sleeping, someone had backed into my car, which was helplessly parked in our driveway. No note, lots of damage. $1350 worth of damage. Roughly 16% of what Carmax had offered to pay for my car just the night before, an already heart-sinkingly low offer.

Something I had no control over—the rash actions of an unthinking and irresponsible driver—threatened my tightly managed, to-do-list controlled world.

And then it sank in: I have been living under the illusion that I am in control of this future I’ve chosen, when really I have about just as tight of a grip on it as I do on whether my car gets hit in my very own driveway.

The renters that I’m sure we’re going to get, the cars that I’m sure we’ll be able to sell, the dog that I’m sure will just magically be transported to Australia. You know what? I’m not so sure anymore.

Of course, things aren’t always quite as dire as they appear to be. After my mini-meltdown this morning, Will got on the phone with our insurance company (I heart USAA). They told him to file a police report and that they may be able to consider the claim an “uninsured driver” incident, which would result in a $0 deductible. Please God, let it be an uninsured driver incident.

Be that as it may, my point is still valid: the optimistic scenarios I have created for myself could potentially not turn out as optimistically as I am forcing myself to believe.

Is it worth it? Losing control of your finances? Losing control of your career path? Losing control of your house, your cars, your beloved pet?

Realizing that you never had control of it to begin with?

I have to believe that yes, yes, it is.